Al Capone (D. Patrick Rodgers)

Alfonso[1] Capone was a facially disfigured, syphilitic, sociopathic gangster famous for killing people and dying of syphilis. He was a Prohibition Era bootlegger and pimp who had two brothers — Frank and … Ricardo? or something — both of whom helped him with his various crimes, until one of them was shot by a bunch of cops in the street.

Operating mostly out of Cicero and Chicago[2], Capone got his nickname, “Scarface,” from the two scars on his right cheek, which he received in a bar fight after saying something sociopathic. Capone became the most famous bootlegger and gangster in the world not because of careful strategy or shrewd business sense, but rather because of his intimidation tactics and general brainless fits of rage. He forever secured the stereotype of the crass, foul-mouthed, promiscuous, amoral Italian-American gangster, and went on to be portrayed poorly by short, loud actors in several thousand films and television programs, all of which glamorize murder and being a foul-mouthed little shithead[3]. Capone liked to chomp on cigars and shove meatballs into his syphilitic face all the time.

Capone was responsible for the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre, a massacre that took place on Valentine’s Day of – I’m gonna say like – 1927. He was arrested in the early 1930s for tax evasion[4]. It’s just as well, though, because Prohibition was repealed around the same time, because it was the Great Depression and everyone wanted to get fucked up. Capone was imprisoned in Alcatraz, where he became best friends with the Bird Man of Alcatraz[5]. He had a super opulent jail cell, and all of the prison guards thought he was a swell guy, even though he was a syphilitic sociopath who murdered literally dozens of people.

Capone died of syphilis in the mid-1940s, and all of his stuff was put in glass cases and sent to museums. Despite the fact that everyone in the world knows that Al Capone died of syphilis, you’ll still occasionally encounter some asshole in a bar who’s like, “Did you know that Al Capone died of syphilis[6]?”

[1] Or Alberto, or Alessio, but definitely something super Italian that starts with “Al.”

[2] Which are sort of near one another? They’re definitely both in Illinois.

[3] Said films and television programs are obviously my primary source for all of this information.

[4] Despite the fact that they were always murdering people in front of multiple witnesses, old-timey gangsters were only ever arrested for tax evasion.

[5] LOL, nah JK.

[6] Yes, asshole. Everyone knows that.

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